They Also Serve Those Who Sit And Yap

My friend Jim is fond of citing Dr. Hunter Thompson and refers to Pat Buchanan as the Anti-Christ. We don’t have a direct parallel in Judaism, but I have no difficulty in envisioning Mr. Buchanan owning an apple stand in the Garden of Eden. Standing in front of the booth imploring Adam and Eve to take actions he himself would never take, would be Rush Limbaugh.

As many of you know, I took an involuntary vacation in February after I screwed up my back in a basketball game. For two weeks I was allowed to walk a little and lie down a lot. Bored, and with enough chemicals coursing through my body to inhibit prolonged concentration, I spent much of my time engaged in light reading with the radio on for background noise. The repetitious nature of our local FM stations quickly forced me to the AM dial. And there, waiting like a tuna fisherman with a mile long net, was Rush Limbaugh.

In both size and the resonance of his voice, Rush Limbaugh closely resembles an old oak barrel. My first impression Mr. Limbaugh and his “Excellence In Broadcasting” network was that he was simply another right-wing fanatic/theorist who like his counterparts on the far left are hired to boost the ratings by inflaming the great unwashed. Cynical, but effective. I found him to be occupying that that space on the political spectrum that is just left of the John Birch Society, but to the right of “Me. Conservative” Barry Goldwater. Blessed with an Orwellian talent to rewrite recent history to suit his purposed and 20/20 hindsight, Rush at first appeared to be a bench player on the team led by Buchanan, Roger Ailes, and the late Lee Atwater.

The negative first impression dissipates as laughter sets in. Limbaugh is funny. His idea for a television show based on Desert Storm, “Gulf War, The Mini-Series”, was amusing.

The second impression doesn’t last long. The trouble is that you suddenly realize that all of his humor is at someone’s expense. Oh, some of the jingoistic Saddam jokes were funny, but it doesn’t take long to understand that Rush Limbaugh reaches for the lowest common denominator. He exploits our base instincts. That nervous guilty laugh you hear is your own.

Of course, once you remove the boulder barricading the cave’s exit, you have to be prepared for what’s going to crawl out.

Rush-“Let’s go to Mary in Shreveport.’

Mary-“Dittos Rush from the Bible Belt.”

Rush- “Thank you, Mary.”

Mary- “Rush, I think we should round up all those anti war protesters and ship them to Saudi Arabia and put them on the front lines.”

Rush- “Whoa. So much for the First Amendment.”

Limbaugh is steadfastly behind all of our country’s foreign military involvement. Be it Viet Nam, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Grenada, Panama or Iraq, Rush has been behind our troops. Way behind. Like a pyromaniac with a life time supply of matches, Rush Limbaugh has been unwavering in his determination to keep the home fires burning.

In spite of the obvious danger, reporters from around the world clamored for the opportunity to cover Desert Storm. Limbaugh, who prefers to see only televised action, was content to stay home and ridicule the real journalists who went. The air raid sirens blared and the reporters, exposed and vulnerable, were no less brave when their fear showed. But Limbaugh, safe in New York, rushed to deride those seeking shelter.

The apple stand in Paradise had fallen into disrepair. Its former owner no longer writes speeches for Presidents and now busies himself defending ex-Nazi war criminals. And its manger, Rush Limbaugh, peddles apples every afternoon on WWWE.

DOG UPDATE: After the recent television reports of a Chinese restaurant in Lake County serving dog meat, OFS has received numerous inquiries as the health and safety of my dog, Tommy. (OFS, Dec.’90) Relax. As you read this, Brain Dead is home dirtying the carpet.