The Chick Magnet

She reached around me and pulled me close. Tenderly, she kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear. It was a moment of surprising intimacy. Surprising because this took place at a business networking event. Really surprising because I didn’t know her name.

Dave Cunix (drunk) chick magnet.

Inebriated women find me attractive and witty, damn near irresistible. Sober women, not so much. I came to terms with this years ago. Even as a boy I knew that I had a better chance of building model cars than modeling suits and shirts. So the first time this wine fueled desirability manifested itself, I was completely caught off guard. That was in my late teens. Now I just wait for the right opportunity to take their car keys and drive them to their homes.

Opposition Research

Campaigns aren’t for the thinned skinned or the faint of heart. Though a great deal of time must be devoted to craft a message and to pump up your candidate, tearing down your opponent is just as important. There are some who would argue that destroying the other guy is actually more important.

Where does one find the fodder for negative ads and whispering campaigns? The process is called Opposition Research. Are there skeletons in your opponent’s closet? What doesn’t he want public? What grain of truth can be stretched and twisted into something ugly and damning? This job is full time work for some hacks. There are some politicians who owe their jobs to their willingness to say or do anything to get elected.

This isn’t necessarily right or wrong. It just is. Since no one is perfect, there has to be something that your opponent would just as soon keep private. But when you run for public office you forfeit your right to privacy.

I caught a vendor cheating me. Even a small business such as mine has to buy or lease products and services from any number of companies. Some of these companies have surprised and disappointed me even though I entered into the contracts with care. There have been sins of commission. And there have been sins of omission. This was both. The contract had a clause tucked away on the back page that contradicted our verbal agreement. Worse, the vendor lied about it when caught.

This discussion and resolution, a check was written to our business to make us whole, occurred last October through December. At this point, all is forgiven if not forgotten. We are still working with the vendor and may continue into the future. Our sales rep checks in on a regular basis to make sure that everything is still OK.

Rebecca, the sales associate, stopped by for a visit last month. It was on the 28th just before I left early for the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. I didn’t have a lot of time to spend with her. She wanted to talk. Reviewing my file prior to our meeting, she realized that there might have been more than just smoke and she asked what really happened last fall. I told her. I mentioned that her employer didn’t resolve the issue until he realized that he didn’t have a choice. She agreed and then quoted this blog.

Yes, this blog. Sitting in my file was a copy of the June 7, 2010 post Hiding In Plain Sight where I discussed my willingness to embrace total openness. The vendor had either engaged in opposition research or someone else, with a different ax to grind, had shared the post with him. Watching my rep squirm, I could see how creepy she thought it was for her employer to be collecting copies of this blog.

I, on the other hand, am slightly flattered and curious. It does seem a bit odd that they would have a post pre-dating our discussions by four months sitting in my file. What other posts are they printing and re-reading?

And if it was sent to them, I am left to wonder who is promoting this blog and is he/she qualified to be my agent. It all sounds rather political, doesn’t it?

Easily Shocked

Ted Diadiun, the Plain Dealer reader representative, is easily shocked and slightly confused. Mr. Diadiun quoted the French philosopher Voltaire in yesterday’s P.D. “I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.” His shock came when many of the Plain Dealer’s readers, the very people he supposedly represents, were angered by his paper’s actions. His confusion resides in the relationships between his employer and its readers and the general population with its sources of news and information.

I have always been amused by the concept of newspaper endorsements. Endorsements are often as easy to predict as they are to parody. In 1992, as the head writer for a local weekly, I endorsed Franklin Delano Roosevelt and General Dwight D. Eisenhower. More recently, I predicted the Plain Dealer’s backing of Matt Dolan for Cuyahoga County Executive, not in October 2010, but back in March. My willingness to cover all bets came off as so confident that I unfortunately scared away all takers.

Some people take endorsements very seriously.

Last week the Plain Dealer’s editorial board recommended a “Yes” vote on Issue 2. There was all of the requisite hand-wringing, but in the end the paper that cavalierly endorsed John Kasich for governor in 2010 wasn’t about to emasculate him in 2011. The prudent move would have been to sit this one out. Nothing short of a defeat in November would force Governor Kasich to the bargaining table. Begging him to be magnanimous in victory was a foolish waste of ink. Or terribly cynical.

This Sunday’s Plain Dealer had the predictable letters to the editor thanking and cursing the endorsement. The Forum section also had on the front page an article from Harriet Applegate of the Northshore AFL-CIO that recommended a “No” vote on Issue 2. As I read it I kept wondering if its prominent placement was to appease aggrieved readers. Then I read Mr. Diadiun’s column.

Mr. Diadiun was shocked and amazed that readers, and by the tone of his article I suspect lots of readers, called up the P.D. and cancelled their subscriptions. Shouldn’t we defend to the death the right of the Plain Dealer to publish anything no matter how vile or injurious? Well, NO. As Americans we support the right of the press to publish freely, we are not required to personally support any particular publication.

His confusion lies in this paragraph:

So let me get this straight: You buy the paper, often for years or decades, because it contains news, information and entertainment you need, and cannot find anywhere else – and then because a group of editorial writers examines a situation and reaches a conclusion that differs from your own, you throw all that good stuff away?

First of all, there is very little in today’s Plain Dealer that couldn’t be found anywhere else. Many of the best columns were actually first published in the New York Times or other major papers. Local news can be found in a myriad of places including AOL’s new local Patch system. We are not dependent on the Plain Dealer. It is just one more resource.

More importantly, Mr. Diadiun fails to understand that actions have consequences. What can the Plain Dealer’s readers do to express their anger? Teachers, fire fighters, police, and other public employees feel that they are under siege. Were they supposed to just shrug their shoulders and continue to support an organization aligned with their adversary? Cancelling their subscriptions is the only weapon they’ve got.

Mr. Diadiun is the readers’ representative. Instead of condemning and mocking them, he might be more successful if he took the time to understand their pain and anger. They weren’t betrayed by the Plain Dealer. If the paper was on any side, it wasn’t theirs.

Will I cancel my subscription? Of course not. I expected nothing more nor nothing less from the Plain Dealer. It is just a newspaper, one more source of information and entertainment. And besides, I like the comics.

The Reluctant Warrior

I wanted to be respected and admired. I was willing to settle for tolerated and ignored. But that was too much to ask for.

One more fight, one more battle was looming. Six years of struggles behind me. Six months to a finish line that has neither a cheering crowd nor a table of trophies. And yet, I’m tired. I may have hit the wall. I’m ready for this to be over.

The word battle sounds a bit melodramatic, but it is sadly accurate. The soldiers come and go; the officers are pretty much unchanged. The stakes are small, mostly egos and pocket change. Of course, it was Henry Kissinger who once noted that “University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.” Same deal. Even when I have found myself battling for a soul, it wasn’t mine but that of an organization that won’t know what it had till it is irretrievably gone.

I entered into all of this without anything to gain. In that regard I have been completely successful. That Zen-like state of nothingness is just as satisfying as it sounds.

The late Arnold Chambers, my speech teacher at Liberty High School, used to say, “Stand up and be seen. Speak up and be heard. Shut up and be appreciated.” As usual, I’ve got the first two under control.

One more battle. Unproductive. Unnecessary. And in many ways, irrelevant. I have become the reluctant warrior, sometimes bored, sometimes annoyed, but never willing to ignore the attack.

There are those who are positive that they will get to be spectators. Some of my readers may. Some are buying tickets for the wrong venue. But most of this blog’s readers know none of the people involved and couldn’t possibly care less. They see this blog for what it is; a description of the struggle to stay true to one’s core beliefs and to speak up even when the cost is high and the reward is non-existent. They relate. They understand that they are not alone. They continue their fight.

As for mine, it is a matter of opinion as to whether it is ego or my death grip on my perception of right and wrong that is driving me. Regardless, Mr. Chambers was right. I am looking forward to successfully completing my task.

I’m Not Destined To Be Cool

Alicia of the Chubby Cook has an iPad.  So does Bill of Joseph, Mann & Creed.  Mickey from Key Bank has a tablet from Sprint.  It doesn’t matter.  Everyone wanted to see how his worked, too.  Whenever I’ve mentioned that I need a new laptop, I’ve been told to purchase a tablet.  They are light and easy to use.  And of course, there is the coolness factor.

My laptop allows me to remotely check emails and to stay in contact with clients while I’m out of town.  I also use it to help clients apply for coverage.  I’m not worried about apps or games.  99% of the time I’m running Go To My PC.  This is a business tool.

I started at the Apple Store in Legacy Village.  The sales associate attempted to sell me a toy.  I was trying to see if the iPad 2 would be useful.  She wanted to show me all of the fun apps.  Frustrated by her interruptions, I left.

The Sprint Store was worse.  They didn’t have a demo unit.  I asked the salesman why I would want his tablet instead of the iPad 2.  His answer was that is was a matter of personal taste!  I suspect the engineers had a better answer.  Too bad nobody told him.

My next stop was hhgregg.  They had lots of choices and the staff was very friendly.  They greet everyone who enters the store, even if they are in the middle of a conversation with a different customer.

“This is the Acer.  Hello.  Welcome to hhgregg.  It is only $399.99.”

Awkward?  Sure, but some consultant must have told them that everyone needs to be greeted, no matter what.  Sadly, the consultant didn’t tell them how to log on to the internet.  One by one all of the salespeople and the manager on duty tried to remember the user name and password.  Total failure.

Across the parking lot, Office Max had two of the smaller tablet versions.

It was time to get serious.  I went to Best Buy.  The sales associate, a young man in his mid-twenties, as well trained and knowledgeable.  We fired up a Samsung, went to my website, and clicked on UnitedHealth One’s short term health application.  The screen was bright and easy to read.  The touch screen was functional.  I was really felling good about this.

It didn’t work.

The tablet was fine.  The insurer’s website didn’t recognize the browser.  We tried a different brand.  No luck.  We even tried the iPad.  No good.

The key is Windows Internet ExplorerGoogle’s Chrome and Apple’s Safari may be great, but they don’t get me on the websites I need for work.

I thanked the salesman, went over to COSTCO, and picked up a little Acer Aspire.  $300 and very functional.

Oh well.  I just wasn’t destined to be cool.

In Search Of The Best Corned Beef

This post may be viewed in Again? Really? and Jeffrey Gifford’s excellent blog, Best Corned Beef in Cleveland.

This little adventure began at the Plaza Hotel in New York City. We were at a black tie wedding. Sally, my girlfriend, was wearing a floor length gown. We were there for the groom, her youngest nephew.

This was an Orthodox (traditional) wedding. Most of the guests were present hours before the official ceremony. The groom was busy signing the Ketubah (wedding contract) while the bride was surrounded by friends and relatives in an adjacent room. The guests wandered back and forth between the rooms, celebrating, socializing and, of course, eating.

There were three large bars plus the ever-present wait staff offered glasses of Champagne and white wine. Others were carrying trays of finger food. There were two 12 foot tables of sushi, attractively arranged and all completely Kosher. And in each room near the sushi tables were carving stations.

Please remember that this is all a precursor to the wedding and a fabulous dinner. But you can work up quite an appetite at an Orthodox Jewish wedding, what with all of the music and spontaneous dancing. We grabbed some plates.

I selected a few pieces of sashimi and then met Sally at the carving station. The chef deftly carved a whole turkey and offered slices from the breast. There was also steak and, and something else. Even in the dimly lit room the color was the unmistakable dark pink of CORNED BEEF. But the shape was wrong. It was almost rectangular. Two slices found their way to my plate.

It was corned beef, but it wasn’t brisket. It was, however, warm, incredibly moist, and tender. The flavor was bright with more than the usual hint of pickling. This corned beef needed nothing. Rye bread, mustard, and horseradish were all superfluous. Taste. Texture. Color. My tux and upbringing were the only things keeping me from pulling up a chair right next to that carving station.

Back in town I discussed the corned beef with Boris Mikhi of Boris Kosher Meats. He guessed that it might have been a rib roast. That would be one expensive sandwich. The cut looked an awful lot like a chuck roast that Boris sells as a fish tail roast. He offered to cut, trim, and corn one for me.

Corned Beef Sandwich – My House
Special Corned Beef
Broccoli Slaw

Corned Beef
• 3 ½ pound corned beef fish tail (chuck) roast
• Big pot
• Lot’s of water
• Garlic Powder

Cover the meat with cold water. Throw in a little garlic powder. Bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for about 4 hours. The meat is done when a fork can be easily inserted all the way through the thickest part.

Simple Broccoli Slaw
• 12 ounce bag of broccoli slaw from the grocery store
• 1 thick slice of red onion, chopped
• Marzetti’s Slaw Dressing
• Garlic salt, black pepper, and celery seed

I removed the roast from the water and let it rest 10 minutes. I admired my handiwork as I carefully cut it against the grain. The color was perfect. The texture – excellent. It was delicious. Sally said that it was as good as the Plaza’s, but I think she was feeding my ego while I was feeding her dinner.

Truth – This version is as good, if not better, than any corned beef I’ve had in Cleveland, but it didn’t quite equal the Plaza’s. The texture was close, but not the same. The flavor wasn’t as intense. Both of these issues may be resolved in future attempts.

The best corned beef sandwich in Cleveland could be at YOUR HOUSE. Your butcher is waiting for you. And if you decide to visit Boris, tell him I sent you.

Stress Relief

7 or 9. And this block is either an 8 or a 3.

I was sitting in my recliner, smoking a cigar (Sol Cubano Artisan for those who care), and working on the Friday Sudoku. The hard one. The Indians’ game was on TV. I think they were winning. I was attempting to decompress.

The last few weeks had left me slightly off balance. There hadn’t been any major incidents. There weren’t any monumental personal struggles. I had faced countless minor annoyances. It was death by a thousand paper cuts. And by Friday evening I had had enough.

Stress relief for some is a movie, preferably one that requires little to no thought. Others dive into a book. One of my friends naps. Really. She just goes to sleep for awhile and wakes up refreshed and relaxed. Not me. Even my relaxation is a multi-tasking event.

It is an 8. Good, than this is the 3.

I spent over 9 hours in my office last weekend. This is part of the annual recertification to meet with my clients to discuss Medicare related products. Boring. Mind Numbing. Insulting. The whole process is offensive. The biggest difference between being a Washington bureaucrat and an insurance agent is that they don’t respect us and can force us to take hours of meaningless training and tests. We don’t respect the bureaucrats, but all we can do is write blogs.

And yet we lived to tell the tale. These aren’t major problems, just annoyances.

I’ve traded emails with one of my regular paper-cutters over the last few weeks. This guy wants to be a big fish. He wants to be a force. And he wants to be paid what he considers to be what he’s worth. He’s not. He won’t be. And he is already paid what he is really worth. Sucks to be him. And if I was him, stress relief would entail a lot more than sitting in a comfortable chair, working on a Sudoku and smoking a good cigar. But dealing with him and his mishigas is still a pain I could do without.

I think the Indians are going to hold on and win this!

So please let me share this thought with you – it doesn’t matter how minor the issue is. If you are being irritated, if you are being annoyed, if you are being stressed, find the time and manner best suited for you to STOP, catch your breath, and regain your balance. Don’t let anyone pooh pooh your stress. And don’t let anyone tell you that there is a right way and a wrong way to relieve your tension. Find your own method. Relax and persevere.

I solved the Sudoku, finished the cigar and watched the last pitch of an Indians victory. What stress?

Two Casualties From Iowa

The Iowa Straw Poll, a non-binding popularity contest where the candidates literally buy their votes, claimed two victims this past weekend. Governor Tim Pawlenty has decided to suspend his campaign after finishing a distant third. And I have proven that my ability to predict Republican candidates is just slightly worse than my golf game.

My June 9th post predicted that Tim Pawlenty would be the Republican nominee. Several of my Repub friends had doubts, but they were hoping that I was correct. These guys weren’t part of some Pawlenty Fan Club. (Is there a Pawlenty Fan Club?) No, they were looking ahead to the general election and searching for a Republican ex-governor, not named Romney, that could win in November 2012.

Winning in November is not a universally shared goal. Each party has a core group that is more interested in being right than in winning elections. The Democrats had Senator John Glenn who many thought could win the 1984 presidential election, but had no chance in the primaries. This, of course, may be the only time Tim Pawlenty is mentioned in the same sentence as John Glenn.

So as Texas Governor Rick Perry enters the race and Pawlenty and I leave, I ask you to opine whether the Republicans will choose a candidate that appeals to just the base or if President Obama will face a challenger also capable of attracting the independent voters.

Contraction

V.N. was visiting my office for our annual political / insurance conversation.

 DC – I heard something new today, a new word.  Contraction.

VN – Contraction?

Contraction.  Sounds ominous.

How is that different than a double dip recession?

I suspect that the difference is that a double dip recession still implies that at some point it ends and things return to normal.  A contraction means that the economy…

Implodes?

I’m thinking more like a crash landing.  If we get the wheels down, everyone survives and the plane suffers only minor damage.

And if we don’t?

Well, you have got to hope that there is enough time to foam the runway.

Otherwise we are all doomed.

Yes, you are watching the Priest walking up and down the aisle administering Last Rites.  “Any Catholics?  Anybody want to be a Catholic right now?”

It doesn’t look good, does it?

We may be in trouble.

We may be in trouble is the understatement of the century.  Our elected officials are long on ambition and short on talent.  There are few visionaries.  We appear to be stuck with managers.  The most competent are fighting for the right to foam the runway.

So as a public service, I am asking you, my readers, to name one Democrat AND one Republican that would be worth your vote.  They don’t need to be on the same level of even represent you.  I would prefer that you only name living, U.S. politicians.  No fair naming FDR and Ike.  An acceptable answer might be Orrin Hatch, the Republican Senator from Utah, and Democratic State Representative Armond Budish.  I’m not saying that either would, necessarily, be my choice.  But, to participate you need to name both a D and an R.

I am asking you to shine a positive light on a rather bleak subject.

I had a lovely visit with V.N.  As she was leaving, she mentioned how long I’ve been her agent.  “29 years”, she said.  “I must be your oldest client.”

“No”, I said.  “You are one of my youngest clients.  I’ve just been your agent for a very long time.”

A Lesson From Woody

Woody Hayes once noted, “There are three things that can happen when you pass, and two of them aren’t good.”  That little math formula applies to any number activities in our daily lives.

The other day a friend of mine told me that the mayor of his bedroom suburb was running unopposed.  That isn’t uncommon in Cuyahoga County.  We have 50+ municipalities in our county.  We couldn’t possibly have enough qualified people to occupy the nearly countless elected and appointed positions of all of these fiefdoms.  Once someone manages to get in, they stay in.  Mayors, Councilmen, they either get wheeled out feet first or are led out in handcuffs.  This is countywide.  Eastside, Westside, South, if the harbor patrol were elected, they would serve for twenty years at a minimum.

So I bring you back to Woody Hayes.  There are three reasons why an elected official continuously runs unopposed, and two of them aren’t good.

  1.   They are truly loved and admired by the community
  2.   Nobody respects the position enough to want it.
  3.   Businesses and community leaders have already figured out how to get around the guy holding the job.

The last one is the most interesting.  If a politician continuously runs unopposed, he/she has no need to raise a big campaign war chest.  This is great for the bottom line.  If you as a business can get what you want without having to invest in the politician through the donation/election process, you are ahead of the game and the envy of businesses locked in competitive districts.  Nothing beats FREE. 

Is there a cost associated with the time and energy a business has to expend to stroke the fragile egos of some local politicians?  Sure.  But that is negligible, at best.  We are ramping up for the election season.  Karl Rove’s Super Pac, Crossroads GPS is already running ads on TV.  Those cost real money.  Hiring a caterer to do an extra ribbon cutting is just an expensive lunch.  

So the next time someone brags to you about being unopposed, ask yourself why.  Is it #1?  Is it #2?  Or are you standing next to a walking, talking embodiment of #3?